


I'd Like Some Cream With That, Please

by LogosMinusPity



Category: Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII Series
Genre: Crack, F/F, Giant Robots, I'm so sorry, as in REALLY BAD, as in you may loose all respect for me, coffee AU, complete and total crack, what have i done with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:10:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LogosMinusPity/pseuds/LogosMinusPity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fang is a poor student at Bodhum HS and is paying for her studies and her sister's by working as a barista at a nearby coffee shop. She meets the asocial lightning farron with a coffee addiction, will love bloom?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd Like Some Cream With That, Please

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete and total crack!fic.
> 
> I'm so sorry. That is all.

Fang looked up as the door to the Bodhum Corner Coffee Cafe chimed open.  It was a slow day so far at the cafe, not that Fang really cared—it was just a part time job, but still, she needed the money.

She took one look at the new customer, though, and immediately perked to full attention.  Normally she hated it when any of her classmates happened to come in to the cafe, but this newcomer garnered far more interest than any typical student.

Lightning Farron was self-proclaimed “Ice Queen” of Bodhum High School.

Part of Fang’s own senior class at the school, she was all frosty isolation and coldly off-putting, but drop-dead gorgeous, with the eyes of half the school—both male and female—on her at any given time.  Not that anyone was ballsy enough to say so to her.

Pretty or not, Lightning had a reputation for also being violent and protective, namely after she managed to beat the shit out of some bloke nearly twice her size all because he wanted to date her younger sister.  Or something like that.

Point was, Lightning was nigh untouchable.  Beautiful, but watched from afar, separated by a proverbial wall of ice that no one dared to breach.

Fang, however, knew that she was considered smoking hot herself, all tight muscle and tan skin beneath her barista’s apron.  It wasn’t a matter of bragging, just of simple truth, and she was all for using that as much to her advantage as possible.  It wasn’t everyday that she got the chance to make coffee for Lightning Farron, and she was going to make the most of it, even if it did provoke the ire of Bodhum’s Ice Queen.

So when Lightning approached the counter, Fang just leaned over it, drumming well manicured fingers across her cheek and waiting, content to watch and see what Lightning’s reaction would be.

What she received was a growing glower of irritation as Lightning reached the counter, and they simply stared at each other in silence.  Fang was not one to mind it, though, because she had all the more time to drink in the sight in front of her.  And what a sight it was.

For someone who wasn’t on any of the sports teams, Lightning had a clear athlete’s build.  Even if she wasn’t physically as big as Fang, she was still layered with lean muscles, all sculpted and chiseled well enough to make even the drab school uniform that she was still in a damn near work of art.  Her hair was what usually drew attention, with its distinctive pinkette locks that fell in twists past her shoulders, but Fang was drawn in by something more: her eyes

They were blue gemstones, not quite sapphire, because they were a lighter shade, more piercing.  Not really a cobalt either.  More like a blue zircon, pale and sharp and glittering wherever the light caught in them, and Fang was nearly falling into them, until her study was finally broken by a very annoyed Ice Queen.

Lightning scoffed loudly.  She flipped her hair back and turned aside, looking like a model even while so dismissive.  But that was Lightning. “Aren’t you supposed to ask what I want?” she asked, obviously displeased.

Fang grinned back.  She had teeth like the purest of ivory, as sharp and perfect as the rest of her, and stark against her even tan.  She leaned one elbow against the counter, giving her best look back, and running a quick, if still obvious, look up and down her newest customer.

“What can I get you then, gorgeous?”

“Tch.” Lightning gave her most imperious glare, the one that could freeze a man in his tracks.  It was why they called her Ice Queen, after all.  Everyone knew better than to mess with Lightning when she gave the glare.  But Fang wasn’t one of those people. “I’ll have the house latte.”

Fang only grinned more, pleased at the way that Lightning’s cheeks had begun to turn a rosy hue at the term of endearment. Looked like maybe even the proverbial ice here could be melted. “Gotcha.  Why don’t you have a seat, Lightning, and I’ll even bring it right to you.”

She turned around to begin the order before Lightning could even possibly utter a protest.  A quick glance back as she began to foam the milk rewarded her with a picture of Lightning sitting at one of the tables, arms folded and looking away, but seated nonetheless.

Thankfully, no more customers had arrived by the time Fang finished making the latte, so she delivered it to Lightning in one hand, while the other held her own freshly poured cup of coffee.

The latte was placed down in front of the Ice Queen with a flourish and bow, “For your majesty,” and the Fang sat down across from her, again content to just watch as Lightning’s face grew more and more stormy like her namesake.

“Don’t you have work?” accused Lightning finally, her brow dark with a scowl.

Fang allowed herself one vague gesture. “Business is slow today.  And I already know all my coffee machines here like the back of my hand.  I’d much rather get to know _you_ instead.”

That got the telltale blush she was looking for, and wasn’t the notorious Ice Queen just the cutest thing!

“So, Lightning…”

“Don’t act so familiar,” retorted Lightning, taking a surly swig of her coffee to hide the flush in her cheeks.

“Why not?” protested Fang.  She sipped her own coffee much more delicately. “We go to the same high school after all.  We’re even in the same class, though you don’t act like it.”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I act that way because I don’t want to get familiar with anyone?”

“Oh come on, maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet.  You’re the winter princess of the school.  You live off of that reputation of a cold persona, but I’m not so sure.  I think there’s a lot more than meets the eyes behind you, and let’s just say I’m interested in finding out more.”

The pinkette tossed her head at that, growling and cracking one set of knuckles, but Fang wasn’t intimidated by the antics.

“Aren’t you just a little ray of sunshine?  Maybe that’s what I’ll call you...Sunshine.”

Lightning, Ice Queen of Bodhum High, sputtered around her latte. “S-sunshine?!”

“Definitely Sunshine,” nodded Fang, now happy. “It suits you perfectly, I think.”

“Does it now?” asked Lightning.  She was no longer stuttering, but her eyes were glinting and sharp, despite the blush on her face. “Most would say you’re pretty stupid to say something like that me of all people, _Fang_.”

“Or maybe I like taking risks.” Fang winked suggestively.

Surprisingly, Lightning met her gaze right back, looking curious and... _interested._

_Score!_

Fang was just about to up the anty and say something even more suggestive, when SUDDENLY, an explosion shook the entire building.

“What the…”

Then the screams started, and explosions continued.

In a second both Fang and Lightning were dashing out of the cafe, though Fang had the presence of mind to be silently offended at the cavalier treatment Lightning gave the remains of her latte as she threw it aside.

Once outside though, they were greeted with an image of pure chaos

They came in a variety of shapes and sizes, from dog-sized to even bigger than Fang, multilimbed and red-eyed with slimy-looking grey blue skin.

“What kind of monsters…” began Fang, smoothing down her barista apron and pushing her thick and luscious locks of hair back.  But Lightning cut her off, her voice determined and fatalistic, certain of the new enemies in Bodhum.

“Monsters?  No…” It was even more horrific than that. “...aliens.”

Of course it was just her luck to be serving coffee to and flirting with the hottest girl in the entire high school—hell, maybe the whole damn world—when a fucking alien invasion decided to begin.

Lightning tore off her school uniform, revealing a tight-fitting and sleek single piece military combat suit beneath it, the likes of which Fang had never seen.

“Go time!” she shouted.  She pulled two twin pistols from god-knows-where in that second skin suit and began calmly walking out into the street, empting rounds left and right into as many of the strange alien creatures as they could see like the total badass she was.  It was all Fang could do just to follow, nearly stumbling as she tried to avoid stepping in the completely bizarre bright blue blood the now very dead aliens were spilling. 

“Lightning—”

“Light.”

“Light, who...wha…?”

There were no times for answers when building suddenly crumbled apart before the oncoming force of a new, very big alien monster hybrid.  It rounded the corner with a deafening roar, bigger than half the buildings it was currently laying to waste.

Lightning tucked a pistol back into god-knows-where and tossed the other aside, and her voice was dark like midnight but really hot at the same time.

“Not on my watch.  Engage, Odin!”

The ground rumbled, and then split apart as, from the depths below the streets, a giant robot emerged forth.  It was on par in size with the giant alien monster.  But the humanoid mecha was immobile, kneeling and clearly waiting for a pilot before it would engage in clear ass-kicking procedures.

“Oh my fucking god!” yelled Fang, falling flat on her arse, and not even caring that her cool barista image was fully ruined. “What the fuck is that?!”

Lightning stood on the edge of the open cockpit of the mecha, the thick chest pieces opened to reveal a waiting seat and glowing controls.  The wind was like a photo-shoot fan, and Lightning’s hair rose up in waves past her shoulder, showing marble-cut cheek bones and alabaster features, and a deliciously skintight piloting suit.  If Fang were not already sitting in the rubble, she would have fallen for the light-headed swooning that engulfed her.

Lightning jumped into the pilot seat, answering only second before the hatch closed over her again. “This is Odin, and we’re going to end this.”

Then the awesome mecha flared into life, jets of steam blasting out from exhaust vents as the robot stood to full height, all glittering titanium and raw human science.  Its hands formed two massive fists, and then it ran headlong toward the monster alien creature thing.

They met in a concussive blast that knocked Fang right back off of her feet while she was standing up.  Teeth and claws tore into one arm of the mecha, while fists pummeled and pummeled until more of that really weird blue blood began to run.  Not that it really stopped the monster because bit in deep to the robot arm until it completely tore loose.

The mecha jumped back, single fist now up defensively, while alien growled and spat.

And then because shit had to get even more out of control, the alien monster sprouted wings—fucking wings.  It screeched and Fang had to cover her ears from the supersonic noise before they started bleeding or she went deaf or something really terrible like that.

In response, the mecha robot took a samurai stance.  With its one good arm it reached behind its back, toward the thick fuel center and exhaust vents, retrieving a hunk of metal in its grasp.  There was a sound like a tv or a computer turning on, like a haze of static and electricity, and then an energy beam materialized outward.

Aliens might have wings, but Lightning had a goddamn mecha-sized lightsaber. 

They faced off against each other, alien and robot, still but for the slow beating of the new alien wings, and Fang watched, gaping and open-mouthed.

Then, simultaneously, they charged, colliding in a furious whirlwind of flesh and steel

There was burning smell that was worse than anything Fang could ever imagine, and she nearly puked up her coffee right then and there on the streets, propriety be damned, and then the airborne alien crashed into the ground, one wing nearly severed off.

It gave one last defiant shriek, and then the giant lightsaber sword thing sliced clear through the neck, severing the monster head like an executioner performing a routine decapitation.  A flood of blue blood rushed outward, washing the streets in a hot and sticky sapphire fluid.

The battle was won, and the alien invasion defeated in Bodhum.

Odin knelt again, gas jets hissing steam while the hatch reopened and Lightning jumped out, sweat streaked and the vision of a goddess.  Fang was on her feet and stepping forward before she even realized what she was doing.  After all, it was only once in a lifetime that she would come across a coffee-loving, alien-slaying, secret-agent, supermodel-worthy girl of this caliber.

Lightning approached her, sparing only a second to shoot another bullet into the head of one of the twitching small aliens.  Then she tossed aside her weapon and walked right up to Fang, wiping away a stray fleck of blue blood from Fang’s cheek and then licking it from her finger, pink tongue darting out while her azurite eyes never looked away. 

“Who the hell are you?” screamed Fang, both completely terrified and increasingly turned on.

Lightning grabbed her in close.  People were screaming, fires were burning, and sirens were wailing all across the smoke-ridden and alien-invaded city.  And Fang was being kissed silly by the single most dangerous high school student she had ever met.

Then Lightning pulled back just enough fix Fang in place with her blue zircon gaze, and Fang could have fainted from the orgasm that took her then and there.  But before she fully blacked out, she heard the full smirk of Lightning’s knowing voice:

“I’m the motherfucking Savior, bitches.”

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> If you got this far, what is wrong with you? I have no idea what possessed me to write this other than my terrible friends who planted the idea (as well as myriad of terrible/wonderful fic titles) in my head, and that some wine may have helped this all happen. Oops. If you have lost all and any respect for me, then I completely understand.


End file.
